Altar Counselors Guide O. Are there apostles today? If you are like me you don't like conflict and you think that if you skip learning conflict management skills then you might be spared having to deal with it. However conflict is so inevitable for Christians that Paul tell Timothy that "all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. Many Christians regard being in conflict as being in sin.
We worship a God who took the worst sin that ever happened in the world, the murder of his Son, and made it the best thing. It is for this reason that we can have a joyful expectation, even in conflict. It is both a recognition of pain and a future hope. It is like a mother giving birth. Even in the midst of pain, there is a joyful expectation. Many couples, who have gone through very difficult conflict, developed some of the strongest marriages-marriages used to counsel and repair others.
What is your attitude when you encounter conflict with your mate? Conflict is really just an opportunity to grow, and we should view it that way. What is your attitude during conflict? Do you have a joyful expectation of the work that God wants to do? Do you expect him to make you holier?
Do you expect him to strengthen your capacity to love? In continuing with what Paul and James taught about trials, both taught that trials produce perseverance. Paul then said perseverance produces character and character hope Rom In marital conflict, we must develop perseverance so we can produce the fruits God wants to cultivate in our marriage.
This is difficult because the natural response to trials and conflict is to bail or quit. Some do this by divorcing, others by distancing themselves emotionally and ph ysically, as they stop working to fix the marriage. However, Scripture teaches us to persevere in trials, which includes conflict.
The Best Conflict Resolution Technique: How to have effective conflict resolution in your marriage
He teaches us to trust him more. He helps us develop peace, patience, and joy, regardless of our circumstances. In order to resolve conflict, we must develop perseverance.
We committed to love our spouse in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. For those who do, there is fruit. Do you feel like quitting? Not only must we have the right attitude when encountering conflict, but we also must sow the right seeds to resolve it. Paul said that whatever we sow, we will also reap Gal Sowing and reaping is a principle God set throughout the earth, and it is at work within every marriage as well.
If we sow negative seeds, we will reap negative fruit. It we sow positive seeds, we will reap positive fruit.
Sadly, even though we all want a positive harvest in our marriage, we typically respond in ways that are counter to that. A wife wants her husband to spend more time with her, but in order to get that, she criticizes him. The fruit she desires is opposite of the seed she is sowing. The seed of criticism will only produce a negative fruit in her husband.
Similarly, a husband, who wants intimacy with his wife, actually begins to withdraw from her. He withdraws hoping that this will draw her closer, but it actually does the opposite.
The negative seed of withdrawing cannot produce the positive fruit of intimacy. In conflict, we must do the opposite of what our nature desires. To resolve conflict, we must always sow the right seeds. Similarly, consider what Paul taught about how we should respond to an enemy. He said:. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Romans Paul taught that in response to an enemy, we must overcome evil with good.
Instead of responding with anger or seeking revenge, we should sow kindness and generosity. If he is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
Instead of being overcome by evil, we must overcome evil by continually sowing good. What good seeds can we sow while we are in conflict? Maybe, it could be the good seed of a listening ear. It could be the seed of affirmation.
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It could be the seed of service. Certainly, it must be the seed of unconditional love. In conflict, we must sow good seeds to reap a good harvest. With that said, we must always remember that conflict resolution is very much like farming.
Sometimes, it may take months or years to get the harvest we desire. Many become discouraged while waiting for their spouse to change or for the conflict to be resolved.
Typically, in that discouragement, people start to sow negative seeds that only hinder the harvest they seek. We must not only sow good seeds, but we must faithfully do it until God brings the harvest. We plant and water, but only God makes the seed grow in his time cf. What type of negative seeds do you have a tendency to sow when in conflict? How is God calling you to sow positive seeds to reap a positive harvest? Another important principle to apply in conflict is talking to our spouse first before talking to anybody else.
This is a principle that Christ taught about dealing with sin in general. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. This is important for several reasons. First, it shows respect for our spouse. It is disrespectful to discuss a problem with our mom, our friend, or anybody else not first discussed with our spouse.
If our spouse finds out, it may actually cause more conflict. Secondly, every story has two sides, and those who are closest to us such as family and friends may not have the ability to give us unbiased counsel. Even for myself, as a pastoral counselor, I have to work really hard to not jump to conclusions after hearing only one side of the story. And when we do talk to others, we should still respect and honor our spouse. Christ taught that when somebody sins against us, we should go to that person first Matt Many couples increase their conflict by bringing others in without first seeking to resolve it with their spouse alone.
Matthew says this:. Though this was originally spoken about a brother in sin, it certainly applies to sin or conflict within marriage. God made us part of the body of Christ, which includes our marriage. When a natural body is sick, it often results in fever. In a fever, the body simply recruits itself to bring healing. For many, this is countercultural. While in serious conflict, many couples hesitate to invite anybody into their marriage to help.
Pride keeps them from exposing themselves and getting the help they need. This is actually another result of the Fall. When Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden tree, they looked at one another, saw their nakedness, and hid.
They then put on fig leaves. At the Fall, humanity lost its intended transparency. We hide from one another; we put on a fake smile even when things are bad. We hide behind our clothes, our houses, our jobs, and our hobbies. We are deathly afraid of people knowing us: our insecurities and our problems.
We even hide from God, as Adam and Eve did. However, in order to build the healthy marriage God meant for us, we must be willing to expose ourselves and seek help. In Matthew 18, Christ said that if approaching the person in sin does not work, we should bring one or two others for accountability. This is difficult, but if we are followers of Christ, we must trust he knows best.
God wants to use other godly people to speak into our marriage and sharpen it as iron sharpens iron Prov Who would you invite to help your marriage? They should be wise people who can understand you, and who are walking with Christ-preferably a married couple.
Every president or king selects a cabinet with many advisers. The cabinet advises the president on foreign policy, educational reform, health care, etc. In the same way, a marriage needs a multitude of counselors, especially when in conflict. Yes, a couple should try to resolve the problem together first, but after that, they should seek help. This should be considered even before getting married. It could be your parents, a wise couple in the church, your pastor, your small group leader, etc.
The selection of these wise counselors takes great wisdom because all counselors are not created equal. These counselors should primarily use the Bible, as Scripture is sufficient to train us in all righteousness. Second Timothy says this:.
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. Those who disregard Scripture, do it to their own peril and that of their marriage.
In finding counselors, ideally, the couple would agree on whom to approach. This is how Christ intended his church to function. Not only should we depend on God, but we should depend on one another.
By not using the body, we spiritually impoverish ourselves. Independent couples may spend their entire marriage spiritually sick, or even worse, the marriage may end in divorce. Who are your wise counselors who help you achieve victory? Have you and your mate considered this question? Are you willing to allow the church to be involved in your marriage as Christ desires?
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Most conflicts begin with couples seeking to get their own way. Practice at least one selfless act for your husband or wife every day to help you continue to do so in conflict. Marital conflict is the perfect breeding ground for fault finding. No one knows you better than your spouse-the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.
Choosing forgiveness rather than allowing bitterness to take root will bring blessed longevity to your marriage and keep intense conflicts to a minimum.
Love is never more evident when you show it in action during a conflict. The agape unconditional love of God revealed through you can penetrate through the worst disagreements. Wisdom is the application of knowledge from the word of God. The Lord generously pours out what needs to be said and what needs to remain unspoken. Harsh words and attitudes build up anger on both sides. Gentleness demonstrated in posture and language makes your spouse feel safe.
Sometimes sharing truth is difficult because it may stir up conflict or anger. However truth spoken in love can bring the healing necessary for a relationship to grow deeper. The Holy Spirit will always prompt you towards giving an honest answer. Be careful of hidden agendas.
No one likes the feeling of being manipulated in a disagreement. Stay sensitive to the Holy Spirit and He will reveal your true heart motive during a conflict. Your transparency gives evidence of godly character because you have nothing to hide.
Talking endlessly without giving your partner an opportunity to communicate fuels frustration in conflict. Be mindful of sticking to the main issue rather than diverting to unimportant irritations. Self-control is integral for couples to share their concerns equally. Your spouse is the easiest target for misplaced anger and frustration. A humble husband or wife reveals the true nature of a reborn spirit during times of controversy.
May 09, Use these opportunities to develop your own conflict resolution skills - if the situation allows. I invite you to read the first Chapter of the Book of James for some excellent perspective on conflicts. Christian Dating (53) Christian Dating Testimonials (14) Christian Friendship (6) Christian Humor (1) Christian Ministries (15) Christian. If two people really respect each other, then they have all the chances of being able to develop a conflict resolution style that will work wonderfully well for them. Christian Singles & Dating. 2. CONFLICT RESOLUTION We are able to discuss and resolve differences. 3. PARTNER STYLE AND HABITS We appreciate each other's personality and habits. 4. FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT We agree on budget and financial matters. 5. LEISURE ACTIVITIES We have a good balance of activities together and apart. 6. SEXUALITY AND AFFECTION.
Your good or bad behavior in conflict unveils the depth of your relationship with Jesus Christ. There will be countless opportunities for you to deny yourself and take up your cross. It may be difficult at times to deal with conflict, but the Holy Spirit will guide and instruct you in the right way. You are most like Christ when your attitude mirrors His sacrificial love and grace towards your spouse especially in disagreements. All rights reserved worldwide. Tagged as: conflictMarriage. Crystal McDowell and her husband of 22 years raise their five children in the Midwest.
She writes, speaks, and teaches with a passion to encourage women with Biblical truths. As a freelance writer for over 12 years, Crystal has written numerous Christian curricula for Sunday School and VBS as well as many articles dealing with marriage, motherhood, and relationships. She gives weekly words of encouragement on her blog: Crystal McDowell Speaks.
Read them in the archive below. If you like what you're reading, you can get free daily ates through the RSS feed here. Thanks for stopping by! Thank You Crystal, I am going through difficult time with my marriage. I really need help, but for the time being I have to thank you for this site. God bless. Dearest Jackie, may the Lord strengthen your heart with wisdom and grace as you work through this tough season.
Conflict and How to Manage It - Part 1 - - Read about Christian dating and get advice, help and resources on Christian single living. God created us for relationship. Do not let unresolved conflict rob you of the joy that healthy relationships can bring. As you read these articles, invite God's Spirit to show you how to apply these biblical principles to your relationships. Then, "go and be reconciled" (Matthew NIV) to . In the same way, a Christian marriage needs the body's help to stay healthy. Marriages should always operate as a part of the body of Christ, but in times of difficulty, they need the body's help even more. For many, this is countercultural. While in serious conflict, many couples hesitate to invite anybody into their marriage to help.
Thank you so much for writing this. I was in a huge fight with my wife this week and this article really opened my eyes to the fact that she is a daughter of God. We spelled it that way to remind her everytime she signs her name that Christ is all things in her life.
Be blessed and thanks again! A good piece which can also be used in resolving conflict amongst siblings, family members and brethren. The Word of God is so complete that we can draw wisdom in conflict with all relationships.
God bless! Yes Miltonmay we all endure in the likeness of Christ when dealing with conflict.
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Just looking at all the comments Crystal and seeing how much you are helping others to strengthen their marriages is concrete evidence of your being such a blessing to so many and to the readers, as well as your fellow writers here. We are praying for your continued blessing and I truly thank God for you my sister in Christ.
Thank you. God bless you, Jack! Wonderful Post, But i need a little help here I am just 19 will be 20 next month. I am not Married but i have this Girl and we both Like each other conflicts keep happenning and never is it running smoothly.
The main problem is I Love her.